Money Bill Williams

Readers have been getting frustrated with the low calibre of writing on this blog so Shaun and I drafted in Craig Thornley to sort things out. Here's what Craiggy has to say about Money Bill Williams....

Some would say that taking a shot at $BW is aiming for an easy target, but given that his five defeated pro-boxing opponents haven’t managed that task, I think he is fair game. Then again, I’m not a grossly overweight sickness beneficiary or facing methamphetamine charges, so compared to his previous opponents I think I have a fairly good chance.

Many of you will leap to his defence, citing that he is a ‘superstar’ who has achieved a number of impressive feats in the sporting arena. I can’t argue with that. He is a natural athlete and he has achieved highly in numerous sporting endeavours. There are others who will simply say, “don’t be a hater, bro”. To those people, go crawl back into the primordial ooze from whence you came, once you are done packing my groceries of course. Secondly, I remind you that anonymous hate on the internet is what the 21st century man does best.

There are any number of fronts you could attack SBW from. Some would start by attacking the fact that he has won a national boxing title despite having never fought someone who has seen inside a gym. Others would question the fact that he only has strong rugby performances against minnow teams and he got himself sent off for a ridiculous no-arm tackle in the first serious RWC game he played in. Some would take the easy road and point out that he is a terrible person because he is a convicted drunk driver – or has everyone forgotten that?

But wait, there’s more. While there are plenty of athletes who milk every dollar out of their contracts and sponsorship deals, my issue with SBW is that he steadfastly refuses to admit that he is just in it for himself. He claims he does it for a higher purpose and that it’s best for everyone. I call bullshit.

He’s not the first to walk out of a sporting contract, but rather than just come out and say that he got a better offer, he walked out on the Bulldogs without even notifying team management that he was doing so, and then claimed that it was a protest against the NRL salary cap. Bullshit, Sonny. If you ditch your team mates mid- season, don’t try and tell the world it was some kind of noble self sacrifice for the good of the players, don’t guiltily scuttle off in the night like that time you got caught cheating on your Mrs in a hotel toilet, and especially don’t pass up the opportunity to apologise to the fans of the team you have disadvantaged by your actions, even when given the chance to do so on national TV.

People were shocked when he bailed from the Bulldogs and were surprised when he bailed from Toulon, but at least that was so he could pursue “his All Black dream”, like every good kiwi kid should. I got that too, until he refused to sign on with the NZRFU for more than a year so he can “keep his options open”. If you were handed a contract to sign on to ‘living the dream’, surely you’d sign it, right? If you want a short contract so you can shift back to league when your ban runs out, just come out and say it. But in the mean time, stop appearing in the All Blacks ads that talk about the legacy of the jersey and what it means to you.

No matter which side of the fence you view it from, SBW is an affront to disciples of both the amateur and professional eras of sport. Those brought up on the sporting cornerstones of ‘team before self’, loyalty to the jersey and seeing things through to the bitter end find his inability to commit to a code, let alone a team, to be appalling. Those brought up in the modern era where players are tradable commodities should be equally outraged that he has defied the rules of the professional era by walking out on contracts and breaching sponsorship conditions - if you are going to build your brand by signing contracts, at least have the decency to hold up your end.

For me, SBW has trodden the well worn path of those who started with some credibility, but now are residing in a certain circle of hell reserved for those who have lost it all by selling a brand, an ideal version of themselves that can’t be backed up. At least he could probably catch a U2 concert while he’s there.

Diary of a Les Mills Person

This week, we had the misfortune of meeting an Auckland-based Les Mills Person and hearing about their week. We wrote it down to preserve the timeless wisdom.

Monday: 6am Body Pump. Great session, feeling energised. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Eat low carb, high protein lunch.

Tuesday: 6am Body Kombat. I love this class but I wish the boxing gloves weren’t so hard on my hands. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Eat low carb, high protein lunch.

Wednesday: 6:30am Weights Session to add tone to problem areas. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Pick up takeaway lunch at Revive. Treat myself to wheatgrass shake even though I know it’s actually packed with sugar.

Thursday: Day off. Stay late at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Sometimes I get the feeling that my boss doesn’t respect me as a person. I don’t know why that is. I mean, he’s so flirtatious with me at work drinks.

Friday: Kickstart day with Body Pump. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Meet other Les Mills people for drink at BCC. Conduct superficial conversation. Midnight: go for dance in Ponsonby. Wear clothes that show off my body. Meet hot guy from another law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Exchange numbers. Resist temptation to eat takeaways on way home despite being drunk.

Saturday: Hungover. Address hangover with high protein, low carb breakfast. Attend 11am body pump. Wooahh yeah feeling energised! Nothing like a great session to blow out the cobwebs. 2pm: go to Ponsonby beauty salon for spray tan and IPL treatment. After treatment browse Ponsonby shops for expensive clothes. 8pm: have a few relaxed wines with the girls. End up going out for a dance again. Meet 31 year old small business owner on again-off again boyfriend at the Long Room. Stay the night at his house and have some really great sex. Man I love my Les Mills body- it's so empowering being this fit and hot. He loves it too.

Sunday: Wake up late and find 31 year old small business owner on again-off again boyfriend has cooked me breakfast. Older guys are the complete package. If only I was the sort of person who could be tied down. I know he’d love that. Finally roll out of bed and go to Freemans Bay New World to stock up supplies of pro-biotic yoghurt, spirulina and organic fresh fruit. Catch an episode of Geordie Shore on MTV. Oh my god it cracks me up how superficial those people are. I could never be like that. Wow, I deserve an early night tonight, big week ahead. Smother face with bio-oil and turn in.

Monday: Repeat.

Dr. Keith Ablow

I was incensed when I read this, which some of you may already have seen on my Facebook page. This blog doesn't aim to take down easy targets and everybody knows Jon Stewart does a better job than we ever could of making Fox News look ridiculous but I couldn't let this one pass.

Republican Presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich is married to his third wife. He cheated on his first two wives and he admits to that. He has also been accused of lobbying his second wife for an open relationship - a claim which he denies. UUJM takes no position on open relationships between consenting adults. UUJM is also open to the idea that a leader could still be very good at their job whilst having a sordid private life. We do not condone cheating but this blog isn't really about that. That would be too easy. This blog is about the rubbish logic Dr Keith Ablow uses to suggest Gingrich's weak moral fabric reveals personality traits that are desirable in a president. Hmmm....

Ablow starts by positioning him self as the unfairly battered defence lawyer, laying out a case for a client who deserves a fair trial in the face of the media who, "can’t seem to help itself from trying to castrate candidates for the prurient pleasure of the public." Well, well, well. Thank goodness you're here, Ablow. We need someone who is concerned about the economy, employment, promoting freedom and protecting the world from the threat of Iran. Game on.

Ablow makes a point of being "coldly analytical" rather than moralising. He'd have to really, wouldn't he? He's defending a cheat who hurt innocent people. He's also defending a hypocrite: Gingrich lead the charge against Bill Clinton's infidelity in the 1990s and has spent much of his career reciting tired tory cliches about "defending the institution of the traditional marriage."

The first point made by our Republican quack hack is this:

"Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him."

Whoop-dee-doo. Steve Earle has been married seven times. He's had six wives including one he moved with his "emotional energy and intellect" so much that she agreed to marry him twice. Steve Earle has "moved" more women than Newt Gingrich so he must be a better candidate for president, right? What's that Ablow? You don't think someone who is a vocal opponent of the death penalty and the Iraq War should be president? Didn't think so, dick.

On to A-blowhard's second point then. He notes that "two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married." Wow. Convincing women to be the other partner in a homewrecking affair. What a guy.

Ablow suggests that the former freaker of the house must be so attractive that voters might try and give him a third term. I suggest that Gingrich is a dispicable human being.

The doctor's fourth point is this:

"Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation."

To Ablow, this suggests Gingrich is unsparing, direct and follows his heart. What this actually shows is that he follows his cock. He lacks the mental fortitude to do basic things like remain faithful and, here's some jargon from that free market you folks love, keep the contract he agrees to that says "to death do us part." It also says "in sickness and in health" but Gingrich wasn't the least bit disturbed about cheating on his first wife when she had cancer or his second when she had multiple sclerosis. What a prick.

Gingrich is probably charming. He'd have to be given his looks have earned him comparisons to the Marshmellow Man and Dwight Schrute. The problem is, he doesn't have a single moral fibre to sew with. How anyone can argue that that is desirable in a leader is beyond me. Machiavelli argued that leaders might have to be cruel to be kind. He never argued they should cheat on their extremely sick wives while preaching the opposite.

So how is Ablow a doctor? Does he have a PhD in shitheadery or a medical qualification in Republican hackery from the school of Fox News? I've heard more logical arguments on the intersection of politics and morality from Doctor Dre, Doctor J and Doctor Pepper.

We welcome your comments.

Crime and Punishment

Crime totally sucks for the direct victims, and for society. It leaves us feeling violated and vulnerable, makes us weary of investing in economically productive activities, and keeps communities chained to a vicious cycle of unemployment and poor parenting (see above). But punishment also sucks. "Lock 'em up and throw away the key" say the talk radio masses. Do you have any idea how much that actually costs? A report from 2009 noted that each prison cell built under the Labour Government (which got tough on crime to keep voters happy) cost taxpayers $643,000. Even under the new government's 'no-frills' plan, they're only dropping the cost by half (which we know won't happen in the end as costs invariably blow out with these sorts of things). So for every 100 extra people you chuck in jail, we have to pay between $32 and $64 million, not to mention the year-on-year expenses! To house another 100 crims! The talk radio trope then quickly moves to 'well if its so expensive, shoot them' which is a hilarious proposal. I mean, no industrialized democracy could possibly let the state kill people, right?

Maybe, just maybe, we need to revisit the whole 'crime' thing and find some better answers both as to causes and treatment. Hey, they might even be a hell of a lot cheaper! I'm not talking hiring people to hug rapists because their mummy didn't hug them enough, I'm talking about serious ways to reduce the burden on society of low-grade crims. If we take the easy way out and admit that all or most criminals are 'evil by nature and unreformable', we're pretty much fucked. Crime breeds more crime, and by the way the New Zealand's prison population in growing, before long we'll be exporting the stuff. (We’re probably already exporting it to Australia).

Sadly, if there is one thing that electorates can't resist, it's a good old 'I mean, society's going to the dogs, we need to get tough on law and order' appeal by a politician. Can nobody see this is a hackish trope calculated to produce exactly the response that you then provide? Are you that trusting of politicians' intentions? Surely not. Surely you realize that economic change of the sort our country has experienced over the past four decades, increasing rapidly over the past two, is always accompanied by new pressures in society? Do you really want to go back to the 1950s when there was 'no crime' (false), 'everyone was well behaved' (also false, it's just that you were mates with the local cop), 'people left their doors unlocked' (so what) and 'kids respected their elders' (if by that you mean quietly followed their example of binge drinking, domestic violence and drunk driving)? It's inevitable that times past acquire a rosy patina as memories fade, that's natural and human. But you also forget how regimented that society was, how the government had it's hand right up the arse of every sphere of economic life, taxing the shit out everything while preventing you from buying decent Japanese cars and drinking lattes.

To believe that we can a) turn back the clock and b) retain only everything 'good' that the ticking clock has given us is just bullshit pure and simple. We're in new times with new pressures and new challenges to overcome. Let's have a scrap of new thinking to go with it please.

Oh, and The Sensible Sentencing Trust is poorly named. Very poorly named. On an unrelated note, the novel 'Crime and Punishment' is probably very good. I haven't read it though.

Happy Birthday to Us!

Kia ora koutou,

This is the second post for 2012. I was too busy ripping out Simon Doull, so I forgot to wish you all a crappy new year last time. Crappy new year. 2011 was mighty shit with the Thugby World Cup, Alasdair Thompson's outdated outbursts, snow in Wellington, Black Swan, honours, EARTHQUAKES, songs about earthquakes, and all sorts of other awfulness. If the rubbish line up at Bug Diy Oet is anything to go by, 2012 promises to be just as much of an abomination.

We're not here today to celebrate the end of a terrible year. Shauny and myself would like to pat ourselves on the back for turning one! Over the past twelve months, our blog has been viewed nearly 5,500 times. Only, like, half of those have come from us refreshing the screen. Even though most of you only tune in to tell us we're shit, we would like to thank you for your readership. We'd especially like to thank those that spread the wise words of UUJM through social media or word of mouth. That view count is a direct line to my self-esteem and I can never get too much of that.... We'd also like to thank our guest columnists, Richard 'Mayer Slayer' Flanagan and Helena from Seatoun. It's cos of you guys that people sometimes accidentally read something written by me or Shaun.

To mark our first birthday, me and Shauny would like to post a list of things that aren't shit. Don't worry, we'll be back to hating next week.

We like:

- The 'h' in Whanganui.

- The two 'h's' in MicHael LHaws.

- Gavin Larsen, Nathan Astle and Chris Harris - New Zealand cricket offered kids heroes at one point.

- Steve Braunias - This is funny. So is this. I think he spelled 'Lhaws' wrong though, see above.

- Gay soldiers.

- Starting the national anthem with Māori.

- Putting the macron on the 'ā' in 'Māori.'

- New Zealand micro-breweries - once upon a time, Macs and Monteiths were impressive brews but as time goes on, they're increasingly guilty of dropping the ball. Thank goodness for the latest generation of craft brewers. Three Boys, Emersons, Croucher, Epic and Tuatara all make good piss. Good on you team! Sorry Tui, you didn't make the cut.

- Speed limits.

- Sweetman hating your favourite band. Fat Froggy's Dip are bad. Sucks Sucksty are worse.

- Feminism

- Helen Clark's pantsuit

- Kiwi beaches that are at least great for walking on even if the weather is rubbish.

- Slower drivers pulling over at safe moments.

- Alton Worthington.

Feel free to add to our list, give props to your favourite brewery or tell us we're wrong. Whatever your response, thanks for reading!

Simon Doull

Simon Doull is shit. How is this loser equipped to commentate international cricket matches? He has an unspectacular test bowling average of 29.3 but at least he has an underwhelming number of wickets with 98. This unimpressive record continues into his ODI figures: 36 wickets at 40.52 with an economy rate over 5 runs an over. He wasn't particularly fast or particularly accurate or particularly economical. Why would I turn to him for "expert" insight on Sachin Tendulkar or Shane Warne? (Warne can commentate while playing better than Doull can from the commentary box!) The Greek Finance Minister might be a player on the world stage in his field but he's clearly not fit to hawk his wares as a consultant. Oh, and he didn't start hitting on Possum Bourne's widow as soon as the driver died, nor is he associated with that horrifying entity known as The Rock radio station. Come to think of it, the Greek Finance Minister probably knows more about women, music and international cricket.

I mean, let's compare "Doully" with Mark Richardson. "Rigger" is easily New Zealand's best test batsman since Martin Crowe. His average would've been better than Crowe's if he'd had an Andrew Jones or a John Wright or whoever to bat with him for lengthy periods of time. He's also a favourite of the beige brigade having embraced his nickname (a nod to his slowness in scoring and running) and partaken in the running races in the skin tight suit against members of the opposite team. He's also consistent funny in a self-deprecating fashion on The Crowd Goes Wild. All of this means Rigger is a guy I'm willing to take insight from. Doully doesn't share any of these characteristics desirable in a commentator.

In saying that, while Rigger may be qualified, he is rarely illuminating. More than can be said for Doully though. Sheesh. All Simon Fool offers is greasy haircuts, tasteless beards, open collars revealing trashy gold chains and earrings that scream, "I'm a wanker." He looks like he should be on Outrageous Fortune but given everything about the guy is shit, we wouldn't dare give him the opportunity. Yes, he may have lead the New Zealand bowling attack but he did so when our cricket team was at its worst with a combination of wides and half volleys delivered at a donkey drop medium pace. Rubbish.

So what do you think? Are we being too harsh on Doully or are we on the money, as usual? Have we taken down the wrong guy? Does Simon Drool annoy you less than some of the other commentators?

Christmas Part III

Well thank God that’s over. Actually, thank humans that’s over. Christmas is very much a human-made invention.

We’ve already touched on how exasperating Christmas is and questioned whether the immense effort the season involves is worth it. To reiterate our suggestion, it’s not. Not even a little bit. The stress that pertains to driving, food preparation, decorating, obligatory church attendance, and present buying, not to mention the family functions that involve so much tongue-biting and tooth grinding that you’d prefer a mouthful of ulcers, is immense.

Is this significant cost made worthwhile by the benefits of seeing “loved” ones peel open the wrapping paper to lay sight on the sweater they’ll never wear? No, not one bit.*

But the problems with Christmas are deeper than this. Let me explain.

Those that partake in Christmas all-too-frequently confuse their obligatory duties with genuine generosity. They’re so busy patting themselves on the back that they manage to ignore the fact that Christmas is compartmentalised into a small portion of the year known, for good reason, as the silly season. If you’re rushing around, convincing yourself that you’re generous for two weeks a year, maybe stop and think about (a) the other 50 weeks in the year that you’re a selfish cunt and (b) entertain the notion that you might not really be that much of a legend if everyone else is doing it and you’re just buying shit to keep up appearances.

Really, Christmas is only a chance for western greed to manifest at its worst and convince itself that it’s healthy. All that shit you bought in a stressful state that the recipients don’t want or need is made from a combination of exploited labour and enviro-rape. Your body can’t handle any of that crap you’re eating. Do you see how this works? Western living is built on unsustainable practices and at Christmas we take all of this to a higher level and convince ourselves we’re wonderful people because of it!

Well fuck that.

Meri kirihimete from Shaun and Andy. See you at the Boxing Day sales.

*As a footnote, it is really shit when Americans don't realise their Office is an inferior version of the British original. If you're one of those people, you're a cock.