The Rugby World Cup

Disclaimer: I love watching rugby now more than ever. Those guys are talented, hard working professionals. Credit where credit’s due. They’ve done the hard yards but this is a cup of two halves. The skill and passion on display are one thing but wait, there’s more.

It’s been a long time coming and now the Rugby World Cup is here. I’ve been in denial. I’ve had my fingers in my ears and my hands over my eyes. Hear no evil, see no evil, put a gag in Murray bloody Mexted so he can speak no evil. God I’m sick of his chess metaphors. It’s not a game of chess out there, it’s something far less intellectual. Regardless, consider the effects of the RWC:

-I hate the people you have to watch the games with. Mr “Don’t Pass It, Kick It” will invariably stand next to Mrs “Don’t Kick It, Pass It.” I didn’t realise buying a Weetbix box with rugby cards in it made you a fucking expert, fit to advise Dan fucking Carter. There’ll be the guy who reckons Richie doesn’t cheat but the other team does by doing the same things. There’ll be the old lady who says helpful things like “score a try All Blacks.” Good thinking Mrs Morrison. Don't get me started on Mr "The All Blacks need to sing the national anthem." They don't. They're not paid to. They need to play rugby. Within five minutes of the game starting you will have forgotten who was singing and who wasn't.

-Prostitutes have been flown in from around the world to meet the increased demand. I guess we can conclude that the RWC attracts people who lack sufficient social skills to get any without paying for it. Also, I hope New Zealand women aren’t miffed that they’ve been overlooked to fill the demand for paid sex. Isn’t unemployment around 6.5 per cent? Sheesh.

-You’ve got to feel for the homeless in Auckland. Good thing that security firm is sweeping the streets, keeping them in line. You’ve got to feel for women’s refuge shelters as well. They’re battling funding cuts whilst expecting an influx of “guests,” especially once the All Blacks choke at the finish line...or the start line.

-The economic benefits are guestimates at best and negative at worst! When we first found out we got it, people were talking about a billion dollar injection. Then we started talking about a half billion dollar cash input. Now we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of unsold tickets. Does anyone else think these numbers are as reliable as the numbers Gerry Brownlee pulled out of his ass to try and convince us mining our precious conservation land was a good idea? Tourist number projections are just as bad. Some sources say 95,000 visitors will come. Some say that's only 25,000 more than normal for a country whose economy relies heavily on tourism. What the fuck?! That's more or less the same number that could be put off coming because they want to avoid the RWC!

-Now let’s look at the economic downside. With tourists and tourist dollars comes inflationary pressure. If you’re a rich middle aged tourist coming from a country whose currency converts favourably to the New Zeland dollar, that’s OK. If you’re a local, that’s a right royal pain in the arse, especially if you’re a renter getting kicked out of your accomodation so your greedy landlord can charge tourists five times as much. Bloody awesome.

-Funding for the Wellington Jazz Festival has been cut because of the RWC. Well, an 80 year old Sonny Rollins still came. Well done, organisers. Presumably other funds have been relocated so all the worst parts of the Wellington Sevens can cover the whole country for six bloody weeks and John Keys can pull out some terribly unfitting rugby metaphors while the ABs choke and everyone gets distracted so the Nats can sweep home in November while passing all sorts of shit under the guise of urgency.

-One more thing. There’ll be a whole lot more assholes in town. My chances of being called a “fag” by someone who partakes in rituals whereby men pile on top of each other, slap each other in the butt, shower together and do all that other shit we know rugby boys like just got higher. Guess I’ll go drink expensive beer and gamble.

-Oh, there’s that song by The Feelers. Avoid.

-Oh, and public transport is stuffed and the city is in chaos. Notice how this just keeps going? Feel free to add to it in the comments section below.