Diary of Helena From Seatoun - Pacific Island Edition

Dear diary,

I just got back from an amazing 5 day experience on a beautiful Pacific Island. I was seeking a truly authentic account of my intrepid journey, so I recorded many of my conversations with locals. Here's one conversation I had with my tour driver who picked me up from the island's airport to take me to my lovely resort.

Helena.

Helena: Mal'e alolo!

Tour driver: Mal'e alolo! Welcome to our island in the Pacific!

H: Thank you. I'm sure my 5 days here will be as inspiring and life changing as the travel agency website suggested. Where's our ride?

TD: Here. Please climb aboard and we'll go to your beach resort.

H: Wonderful. My ankles are killing me after economy class.

H: Look out the window at all the rubbish on the streets. Driver, how can you let your idyllic little island be like this? This isn't what the Pacific is like.

TD: Huh?

H: Driver, you need to be more environmentally conscious.

TD: What?

H: Uh hello?! This is Helena here, calling from the future. You need to clean up your dirty little island. Do. You. Understand. Me?

TD: Huh?

H: Forget it. So what's the plan for tonight?

TD: Everyone on the island will be watching our national rugby team play the world champions at 8:30pm. It's such a great honour for our people.

H: 8:30?! But looking at the beach resort's itinerary for Saturday night that's the same time as the authentic cultural show. They're going to be showing amazing traditional dances from across the Pacific while we eat from the buffet. There must be a mistake.

TD: Ah sorry, cultural show is off. Rugby is part of our way of life here.

H: But rugby proliferates violence and re-enforces gender stereotypes ...

TD: Did you just read that from your handbook?

H: ... Rugby doesn't fit with your lovely little island culture. No this can't be. Call your boss at the beach resort and ask him to make the cultural show for after the rugby. I have 5 days to authentically absorb your culture and damnit I'm gonna do it!

TD: Umm sorry but the boss doesn't want his staff up late on Saturday night because we have church the next morning.

H: But church imposes an immoral social order and reinforces gender stereotypes.

TD: Okay I definitely saw you read that from your handbook.

H: Yes, my handbook is like my Bible.