Some Fans of Some Movies

If you’re a fan of one or more of these movies, you might be shit. There are two possible reasons for this. You might be endorsing a shit movie or you might be endorsing a good movie for the wrong reasons. For your convenience, we’ve outlined some traps you might have fallen into.

The Breakfast Club: What a dreadful movie. Five characters stereotyped for your convenience and a predictable plot you can fit in your head. The nerd gets dirtied up a bit so you can all feel good about having not tried harder at school. Well fuck you. Give me a better movie with some subtlety and surprise. Oh, and come on. Molly Ringwald is a skank. If you want a hot redhead, track down Neko Case.

LOTR: We're sorry but even using the acronym paints you as a hopeless fanboy or fangirl. Maybe we just don't like fantasy, maybe we didn't just 'get' the whole thing and find Tolkein's prose excruciating to read, and of course the trilogy as a whole deserved an Oscar but...come on, that ridiculous hour-long ending to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long middle to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long start to the third one?! See what we're getting at?

Labyrinth: I love Labyrinth. The problem is that it has been accosted by hipsters who go to bars for Bowie night and snob the lonely dance floor while the poor DJ plays awesome Bowie dance tracks that aren’t from Labyrinth, then get up to “dance the magic dance,” proving that for many, Labyrinth is just a hipster box to tick.

Some people say it’s a problem that the real star of this kids’ movie is Bowie’s package. I'm not one of them.

Rocky: Fuck off Philadelphia, dick.

Pulp Fiction: Looking back now, Tarantino is a walking self-plagiariser. He’s such a magpie but that’s OK. Romeo didn’t write his own lines. Reservoir Dogs is better but would be even better shorter, like most Tarantino.

Lawrence of Arabia: 'Kiwi' brand shoe polish shouldn't be used to make whiteys look brown. (The film is not to be confused with the musical alias of Mr James Milne who we actually quite dig.)

Requiem for a Dream: Bloody horrific - and that's just the New York accents.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Just because it has drugs you think it's "cool" when really its status as a "Deppic" gives it credibility it doesn't deserve. Boring.

The Motorcycle Diaries/Into the Wild: We like both films and both books but watching/reading them and talking about being a drifter doesn't make you a society defying, revolution leading, one-person warrior.

Pan’s Labyrinth: Yes Pan's Labyrinth is a pretty good film, I'd even say it is touching and poignant, but please stop going on about it like it's a fucking masterpiece. What could possibly lead you to think it is? Combining Spanish Civil War ultra-violence with crazy fantasy stuff is perhaps a novel idea, but it's hardly revolutionary. At times it's bloody farcical without being even the slightest bit ironic. Stop thinking that just because you saw a foreign film you understand so much more about the culture that produced it. "But the little girl's constructed escape from the horrible world she's living in is like a metaphor for how we all remove ourselves psychologically from difficult circumstances". Wow man, deep, and that's never been done before. Go read some Marquez or Cervantes or something, watch it again and tell me whether it really is such a great work of art.

Harry Potter: Why haven’t we seen it? BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People Who Crowd the Boarding Gate When Pre-Boarding Begins

Is this really what you look forward to?

Sit down you idiots. You're not in first class, you're not an elite frequent flyer (those people actually pay a LOT more for better service), you don't require assistance and you don't have a family of little-uns to shepherd onto a large speeding bullet. Oh, but you "like to get in and get settled." Come on man, it's a goddamn plane, how settled can you possibly get between the person yapping on their phone to your right, the two-person person crowding the left-side of your face, and the douchebag who just dropped their ridiculously over-packed, over-sized carry-on on your head?

Plane cabins make airport terminals look like bloody day spas! As soon as you get in you'll be itching to get out of the thing again. You were actually settled sitting out there in a normal chair, with plenty of temperate air, probably a nice bit of natural light and maybe even some mindless sports coverage on the telly. But you can't wait to get onto the machine that you probably hate and will moan about (they don't serve shitty food to us inflight any more! no terrible movies! it was late leaving and late arriving!) for the next three weeks, destroying your holiday.

You try running an airline that has to serve a million shmucks like you every year...I imagine it's pretty hard. Sit down, chill out, wait for the actual call, and I'll see you at the other end when we'll all get off the plane at PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY THE SAME TIME!

Then again, you may happen to be on a 757 in America. If that's the case, you might as well go to sleep as soon as you land.

Pākehā Ringing Talk-Back to Complain About Immigration

Sorry, I shouldn't complain. I forget that Pākehā are the indigenous people of New Zealand. Wait, hang on. Aren't Māori are the indigenous people of New Zealand? I think they might be. Ha, I'm always getting those two confused!

It is a little ironic for Pākehā to turn around and protest against immigration of other cultures. New Zealand is a hell-of-a nice place to live. I do not blame people for wanting to live here. Their quality of life is improved in ways we could only imagine. In turn, immigrants are an asset to our culture and provide diversity which should be embraced. Have you tried souvlaki? Brilliant! Many claim that immigrants threaten our culture and way-of-life. Last time I checked, pioneering Pākehā systematically did most things in their capability to destroy Māori culture, Māori economic infrastructure and in many cases, Māori lives. Immigrants have made no such effort to destroy the current New Zealand culture (whatever that may be). Please, just chillax towards immigration. If you embrace the benefits of diversity we will be all the better for it.

Talk-back radio allows any old shit-for-brains to express an opinion in a public forum. It's annoying enough hearing from Michael bloody Lhaws but why can't we censor those who call in without a shred of logic? This is particularly true for subjects like immigration that grind the gears of the prejudiced.

One time I heard a woman ring talkback radio claiming that we (New Zealand) needed to stop letting immigrants into the country because they have taken over the food distribution industry. We need to eat, the caller argued, so this is a smart move on the part of the migrants who will eventually hold us to ransom and drive us out of our own country through restricting our access to the food supply.

Yip, there's a migrant alliance. The 200-odd countries that aren't New Zealand are coming for us. Wow. I for one feel threatened by my local dairy owner. Really, really threatened. That guy who withstands drunken bullshit while pushing the hotdog cart through town at 3 in the morning? Well, he's a threat. The owner of the local fish and chip shop? Holy crap, I never noticed how he was ruining my life. Shit, maybe the crazy talkback bitch has a point?!

Or, maybe, I'm just being really fucking sarcastic! Fuck off talkback radio! Oh, I almost forgot. Fuck off to your cousin who also gives morons a forum for their ideas: letters to the editor. Sigh.

Sometimes you ask the masses and get a fair and useful answer (democratic elections, anybody?) but sometimes you just get back an unfiltered crock of shit.

The Nu Zulund Accent

Does anyone else cringe instinctively when Bill and John talk about spending "a bullion" dollars here and "a mullion" there? (To be fair, they're generally cutting spending by bullions and mullions.) Does anyone else "crunge" when our radio announcers say, "That was The Shuns wuth 'Kussing the Lupluss.' Next we have The Munt Chucks and The Smuths...?" (Musically, that wouldn't be so bad of course....) Does anyone else crunge when you're told to play cruckut wuth Chrustine at Chrusmus time?

The New Zealand accent is the most ruduculous sounding accent un the Englush speakung world. All our vowels sound like 'u's. It is commonly found in customer service. You hear things like, "No we don't have 'Uz Ut Just Moi Or Uz Uvurythung Shut,' uctually. Thunk yous though, please cum agaun." Horrifying. Some people claim they like our accent because it "makes us unique."

Admittedly, the New Zealand accent is quite useful for getting an edge when talking to girls in North America. However, that is only because we sound like Australians and every North American girl has a fantasy of pulling an Australian surfer. Being unique doesn't make it okay. Robert Mugabe is unique. Is he lauded for it? I think not. That guy who argues with your lecturer in front of the 200 people who actually understand is unique. Lady Gaga is unique. Change your argument, chumps.

Perhaps the qwerty keyboard is to blame. Whoever designed it put the 'I' key in between the "U" and "O" keys. That makes translation easy. If I want to translate English into Kuheewee I can shift my finger to the left, i.e.; "I'm Chrus Smuth." If I want to translate English into the Topp Twuns dialect, I can shift my finger to the right, i.e.; "I'm Cross Smoth." Regardless of this convenience, I'd rather it wasn't an issue. The New Zealand accent is an abomination. Could be time to move to Australia....

PS: That whole 'Beached as' thing was never funny. People in different countries talk differently, get it? Yup, real original, not to mention another reminder that we're at the bottom of the vocal heap. Fucking ducks.

The Reader's Digest Trust Survey

Who constructs these lists and how the hell do they do it? There are so many problems with it I can barely control myself. Luckily for this post, the article on the survey says nothing about how the survey is done. You can view the article and the ranked list here.

According to the online Oxford English Dictionary, to trust is to "believe in the reliability, truth or ability of" an entity, in this case, a person. (Yes, the survey ranks professions as well but I'm gonna stick to commenting on the list of people.) I'm not entirely sure what these one hundred people have done to earn the trust of the readers that voted for them.

I don't wish to take anything away from many of the people on the list. They didn't ask you to vote for them. They did their jobs and some of them stand amongst the greatest in their fields in the whole world. Credit where credit's due.

But what has made Bret McKenzie more trustworthy than Jemaine Clement? What has made either of them trustworthy enough for the top ten? Could it be that people voted for them because they recognised them and liked their work? If anything, Jemaine is the more reliable. After all, he only has one facial expression and one tone of voice. Then again, I'm quite willing to let Bret be tainted by his association with The Black Seeds.

Why are there only two women in the top ten? Is it cos they have sick problems once a month? Probably, selfish bitches. Why is the highest ranked woman someone I've never heard of and why is the second highest ranked woman a bloody fashion designer? I guess contributing to the low self esteem of young women makes a person pretty trustworthy. After all, that's all catwalk fashion is. Stuff that looks ridiculous and most of us can't afford even though we're told we should want it. Good grief.

What has Richie McCaw done to fall from 11th place in 2010 to 55th in 2011? I would say nothing. That guy goes out on the field and gives it everything he's got, every time. What has Daniel Vettori done to fall 40 places from 18 to 58? Lead New Zealand to a surprisingly good World Cup result? Wow, what a bastard. Dave Dobbyn has dropped 41 places too. Why? God only knows.

Let's go to the other end of the list. Why is John Key ranked higher than Hone Harawira? Key is extremely reluctant to comment on lots of stuff and reluctant to stick to his word on the rest. The 'Smiling Assassin' said he wouldn't fuck with GST and he did. Check out his view on The Springbok Tour...he doesn't feel strongly about anything. As Steve Braunias said of "Mr Flip-flop" before Key's election in 2008, "you can't call Key two-faced cos he hasn't even shown one face yet."

Harawira on the other hand has never been anything other than perfectly clear on where he stands on anything. He left the Maori Party because they changed, not because he did. They think they can work with Don Brash post election for goodness sake! New Zealand may not like Harawira's views but at least he has views and at least they've been consistent for decades.

So what the fuck New Zealand? Who the hell came up with this list, why, and what does it mean? You did, to fill Reader's Digest column inches and nothing. You can bank on that.

And P.S. - If you're still reading that bloody magazine you should get an internet connection.

Alasdair Thompson

When you write a blog like ours, this is a half volley on leg stump. This is the fast ball over the plate. This is the candy in the feeble grasp of a baby. This the excuse I need to use a string of shitty clichés.

For those of you who aren't up with New Zealand's current events, Alasdair Thompson is the head of the Employers and Manufacturers Association. He represents our bosses and did a pretty lousy job of it on June 23, 2011 when he basically said women should get paid less than men because they take more sick days due to "women's monthly sick problems." Dude, it's called menstruation. Say it with me: men-strua-tion. Not that hard, huh? Thompson claims the evidence supports his statement. He can't produce it though. There's kind of a theme here: Andy Haden couldn't produce any evidence to support his theory that the Crusaders had a quota for "darkies." Hmmm, funny that. It's almost like these guys pull this rubbish out of their asses. Political incorrectness gone mad. Thompson has also made some piss-poor effort at an apology but it was piss (or even Tui) weak, poorly delivered and more or less the definition of "too little, too late."

Now at this point you'd expect me to rip this munter to shreds. That would be fun but, quite frankly, that's too easy and is being done for me by far wittier and more eloquent people in the media. The Council of Trade Unions has called for him to be sacked and they have the support of prominent politicians and countless Facebookers. Green MP, Catherine Delahunty tried to introduce a member's bill that would allow women an easier method to investigate pay discrepancies with their male counterparts. It was blocked by the government, despite the fact that National's MPs have widely condemned Thompson's statements.

Nope, I will only take the guy's statements down tangentially. Primarily, I wish to make some other points.

Firstly, check out this image (hat-tip to your Twitterfeed, Moth):

How out of touch with social convention is this dickhead that he goes on Facebook to vote in favour of keeping his job after saying something that daft? Pretty out of touch, I would say. He should go back to the stone age when dinosaurs couldn't talk - or use social media.

Secondly, whilst it's obviously reasonable to jump on the guy, some pinko libbers have been so "holier-than-though" with their criticism that it's excruciating. Dissing the easily dissable is just that: easy. Whilst sexism still manifests in society in ways that should embarrass some of us, opposing the views of an outspoken dipshit doesn't make a person into the heroic freedom fighter they might think they are. Opposing this twat is like opposing cancer. This guy thinks a hysterectomy is a career move for goodness sake! He should be banished to an earlier period of time, well spotted, but don't try and act like you're a genius or a hero for saying what everyone with even the smallest shred of common sense is thinking. Don't do the right thing so you can get high off your own altruism.

What I'm trying to say is that this guy should get bitch-slapped - by a fucking big gorilla - but don't use the same hand to pat yourself on the back for expressing the, ahem, bleeding obvious.

John Mayer

I hate John Mayer. I considered ranting about him myself. I would've mentioned his woefully outdated faux-neo-Clapton guitar bollocks. I would've mentioned the way he sings like a twat. I definitely would've responded to his line, "who says I can't get stoned?" by offering to bury him up to his neck and....well you can imagine the rest.... In fact, I hate John Mayer so much that writing about him made me so angry I had to delegate the task of destroying him to a fabulous guest blogger. Thereby, it is with great pleasure that I introduce the sophisticated writing of Richard 'THE MAYER SLAYER' Flanagan....

Before I start I should make one thing clear. As far as people go, I'm not the biggest John Mayer critic there is. There are times when his smooth, empty music really hits the spot. I like his commitment to his own independence and of course what red blooded male wouldn't appreciate the who's-who of America's most beautiful women that he seems to churn through.

I just can't figure out why he's famous. Surely it can't be for his ability to bring us revelations like that romantic relationships can be nuanced and complicated. Maybe its the rollercoaster of gritty emotional realism he depicts in his music. One moment, "I wanna scream at the top of my lungs!," the next "2am, I swear I might propose" (sounds like a good night). But then all that proposing at 2am takes its toll and there's a tantrum. "One more thing - why is it my fault? I just wanna be loved, just want to be funny". Tears before bedtime.

Maybe his popularity can be ascribed to the fact us conservative white people need a rebel too. I mean "who says I can't get stoned?" Well, no one actually. So probably not that then. All in all John's songs have all the characteristics of something by an 8 year old being taught creative writing. Similes involving colourful objects ("she's always buzzing like neon"), metaphors involving fun parks ("your body is a wonderland"), and a world view that shows he's yet to understand personal responsibility ("waiting on the world to change" = it's not my fault, I found it like that).

So unfortunately, the reason I'm being inextricably drawn to is that there are a lot of stupid people out there who buy music. And in this case, by stupid people, I mean stupid women whom I suspect wouldn't be interested in hearing the self-indulgent musings of a man in his early thirties if he wasn't six foot three and good looking. I, for example, am also self-indulgent and flawed but hardly anyone is reading this. It seems that when men reach for FHM, women reach for John Mayer. But in the same way that FHM isn't Hemingway, John Mayer isn't music. So please folks, push your tastes a little further afield. You'll still get to hear John's music any time you're in an elevator or waiting on hold at the bank. Maybe then the poor guy can live his tortured life in happy anonymity.