The Nu Zulund Accent

Does anyone else cringe instinctively when Bill and John talk about spending "a bullion" dollars here and "a mullion" there? (To be fair, they're generally cutting spending by bullions and mullions.) Does anyone else "crunge" when our radio announcers say, "That was The Shuns wuth 'Kussing the Lupluss.' Next we have The Munt Chucks and The Smuths...?" (Musically, that wouldn't be so bad of course....) Does anyone else crunge when you're told to play cruckut wuth Chrustine at Chrusmus time?

The New Zealand accent is the most ruduculous sounding accent un the Englush speakung world. All our vowels sound like 'u's. It is commonly found in customer service. You hear things like, "No we don't have 'Uz Ut Just Moi Or Uz Uvurythung Shut,' uctually. Thunk yous though, please cum agaun." Horrifying. Some people claim they like our accent because it "makes us unique."

Admittedly, the New Zealand accent is quite useful for getting an edge when talking to girls in North America. However, that is only because we sound like Australians and every North American girl has a fantasy of pulling an Australian surfer. Being unique doesn't make it okay. Robert Mugabe is unique. Is he lauded for it? I think not. That guy who argues with your lecturer in front of the 200 people who actually understand is unique. Lady Gaga is unique. Change your argument, chumps.

Perhaps the qwerty keyboard is to blame. Whoever designed it put the 'I' key in between the "U" and "O" keys. That makes translation easy. If I want to translate English into Kuheewee I can shift my finger to the left, i.e.; "I'm Chrus Smuth." If I want to translate English into the Topp Twuns dialect, I can shift my finger to the right, i.e.; "I'm Cross Smoth." Regardless of this convenience, I'd rather it wasn't an issue. The New Zealand accent is an abomination. Could be time to move to Australia....

PS: That whole 'Beached as' thing was never funny. People in different countries talk differently, get it? Yup, real original, not to mention another reminder that we're at the bottom of the vocal heap. Fucking ducks.