Christmas Part I

They say this is the season to be jolly. Hardly. Everything about Christmas is shit and this is the first of a series of posts explaining why. We’ve been playing grinch all year - did you really think we were going to stop now? Of course not - I have years of pent up Christmas retail rage to vanquish.

Without further adieu, let’s tear down the wreaths, spit in the cakes and examine the first bane of my yuletide existence: Christmas carols.

Snoopy’s Christmas

Let me get this straight - Christmas resolved World War I?! The Great War?! The war to end all wars?! Hmmmm. What seems more likely to me is that once the sun rose on Boxing Day the opponents started trying to blow the shit out of each other again.

I shouldn’t be surprised people go for this nonsense. Snoopy’s Christmas embodies yet another series of Christmas related lies adults tell children. For a start, we’re celebrating the birth of a man who was born to a virgin and apparently turned water into wine after walking on it before dying and coming back to life. Hmmmm. We know all this for a fact cos it’s written down in a book with talking snakes and parting seas and God knows what else. Said book was written 2,000 years ago when said man was alive and somehow we've worked out his birthday was on December 25. Forget Obama, I want to see that birth certificate.

Then there’s the lie about Santa. What exactly are we teaching kids here? Nag your parents for shit you don’t need and probably don’t even want and somehow they’ll communicate your wishes to a fat guy in a stupid suit who lives at the North Pole but hangs out at every bloody shopping mall (more on those abominations later) and he’ll visit you and every other kid in the world in a 24 hour period in a flying sled powered by obliging reindeer and no one will see him doing this even though he’d have to go so fast as to create a sonic boom? Yep, sounds legit, right?

So I guess if you’re gonna believe all that you’ll swallow the idea that grown men trained and ordered to kill each other will stop once they hear Christmas bells and peace will break out and rainbows will appear and the sky will rain chocolate and honey will pour from the taps and the streets will turn to gold. Hate to burst your bubble but World War I did not end on December 25, 1914....

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Firstly, what the hell is “Mommy?” That’s not even a word. Secondly, if she’s supposed to be in loving a relationship with Daddy or Steve the plumber or your other Mommy, you’d better ask her why she’s such a tart. Maybe Santa’s not giving her a chance to say “no.” You should probably be a good kid and break it up. After all, Santa’s only here cos you’re greedy and demanding. He probably just wants something in return for giving up his precious time to visit the house of a spoilt little shit.

Of course, if Mommy isn’t involved with anyone else she can do what she wants. Probably shouldn’t go too far with you watching though. Regardless, as we established above, Santa Claus is NOT coming to town.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Most times I hear this monstrosity I’m in a ghastly shopping mall (there's a tautology) and it’s blaring from the store speakers. As this post and the ones that will follow will show, the writers of this “song” could quite reasonably be sued for subterfuge.

Winter Wonderland

It’s not winter. It’s summer and as we’ve established, you can barely tell from the weather. Still, what is wondrous about winter? We’ve already established that snow is shit. Winter is cold and miserable. Advocates of Christmas need to stop lying.

Silent Night

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Wake me up when it's over....