One of the major problems with Christmas is the need to give presents.
For a start, you might need to shop for these bundles of stress at a mall. It’s pretty obvious that malls are horrible all year round but Christmas takes every mall annoyance to a heightened level of shit. For a start, you might need to find a park. Fuck that. Do I really want to manoeuvre my vehicle in between three SUV’s that have never seen dirt and probably can’t handle the gentle turning arc required to get into the spot they’re all jockeying for? Doubt it - especially when my vehicle is a push bike.
Then, if I’ve survived the war zone that is the mall parking lot, I go inside the complex. What is this, a prison? They’re invariably playing Christmas music. We’ve already covered the problems with that. There will invariably be a mall Santa. Well, I guess we haven’t lied to the kids enough yet. No doubt there will be a fucking department store with a fucking Christmas sale.
Under no circumstances should you approach this horrid specimen of “first world” living. The staff of high school students and high school drop outs will being getting thrashed by senior management who decided to launch a Christmas sale the store lacked the space, expertise, intelligence and maturity to handle, not to mention middle management who will be hell bent on whipping the poor bastards in the firing line into shape to deliver the “deliverables” or “key performance indicators” to senior management. Of course, the customers will have shit for brains and will form an angry mob disguised as a queue, press the button on the fish that sings ‘Grandma Got Run Over By the (Motherfucking) Reindeer’ and tell you stuff “must be free” when it doesn’t scan the first time and say helpful things like, “smile mate - it’s Christmas” when you look at them, clearly unable t comprehend just what exactly is so fucking funny. Make no mistake about it: working in a department store is like being caught in the ultimate pincer movement.
If you choose to ignore common sense and enter this lion’s den of awfulness and manage to avoid being literally trampled to death you may come away with a shitty gift that was made in a shitty country with shitty labour laws and shitty standards of manufacturing that your shitty child/partner/parent/cousin/boss/neighbour/friend/etc might pretend they like for five minutes before forgetting about or might have need of three times a decade.
More on this next week....
PS: Don’t forget to buy a Christmas tree. Not only will you be allergic to it but you’ll have to clean up the needles it sheds and contribute to global warming in the process. Trifecta!
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