People Who Crowd the Boarding Gate When Pre-Boarding Begins

Is this really what you look forward to?

Sit down you idiots. You're not in first class, you're not an elite frequent flyer (those people actually pay a LOT more for better service), you don't require assistance and you don't have a family of little-uns to shepherd onto a large speeding bullet. Oh, but you "like to get in and get settled." Come on man, it's a goddamn plane, how settled can you possibly get between the person yapping on their phone to your right, the two-person person crowding the left-side of your face, and the douchebag who just dropped their ridiculously over-packed, over-sized carry-on on your head?

Plane cabins make airport terminals look like bloody day spas! As soon as you get in you'll be itching to get out of the thing again. You were actually settled sitting out there in a normal chair, with plenty of temperate air, probably a nice bit of natural light and maybe even some mindless sports coverage on the telly. But you can't wait to get onto the machine that you probably hate and will moan about (they don't serve shitty food to us inflight any more! no terrible movies! it was late leaving and late arriving!) for the next three weeks, destroying your holiday.

You try running an airline that has to serve a million shmucks like you every year...I imagine it's pretty hard. Sit down, chill out, wait for the actual call, and I'll see you at the other end when we'll all get off the plane at PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY THE SAME TIME!

Then again, you may happen to be on a 757 in America. If that's the case, you might as well go to sleep as soon as you land.

Pākehā Ringing Talk-Back to Complain About Immigration

Sorry, I shouldn't complain. I forget that Pākehā are the indigenous people of New Zealand. Wait, hang on. Aren't Māori are the indigenous people of New Zealand? I think they might be. Ha, I'm always getting those two confused!

It is a little ironic for Pākehā to turn around and protest against immigration of other cultures. New Zealand is a hell-of-a nice place to live. I do not blame people for wanting to live here. Their quality of life is improved in ways we could only imagine. In turn, immigrants are an asset to our culture and provide diversity which should be embraced. Have you tried souvlaki? Brilliant! Many claim that immigrants threaten our culture and way-of-life. Last time I checked, pioneering Pākehā systematically did most things in their capability to destroy Māori culture, Māori economic infrastructure and in many cases, Māori lives. Immigrants have made no such effort to destroy the current New Zealand culture (whatever that may be). Please, just chillax towards immigration. If you embrace the benefits of diversity we will be all the better for it.

Talk-back radio allows any old shit-for-brains to express an opinion in a public forum. It's annoying enough hearing from Michael bloody Lhaws but why can't we censor those who call in without a shred of logic? This is particularly true for subjects like immigration that grind the gears of the prejudiced.

One time I heard a woman ring talkback radio claiming that we (New Zealand) needed to stop letting immigrants into the country because they have taken over the food distribution industry. We need to eat, the caller argued, so this is a smart move on the part of the migrants who will eventually hold us to ransom and drive us out of our own country through restricting our access to the food supply.

Yip, there's a migrant alliance. The 200-odd countries that aren't New Zealand are coming for us. Wow. I for one feel threatened by my local dairy owner. Really, really threatened. That guy who withstands drunken bullshit while pushing the hotdog cart through town at 3 in the morning? Well, he's a threat. The owner of the local fish and chip shop? Holy crap, I never noticed how he was ruining my life. Shit, maybe the crazy talkback bitch has a point?!

Or, maybe, I'm just being really fucking sarcastic! Fuck off talkback radio! Oh, I almost forgot. Fuck off to your cousin who also gives morons a forum for their ideas: letters to the editor. Sigh.

Sometimes you ask the masses and get a fair and useful answer (democratic elections, anybody?) but sometimes you just get back an unfiltered crock of shit.

The Nu Zulund Accent

Does anyone else cringe instinctively when Bill and John talk about spending "a bullion" dollars here and "a mullion" there? (To be fair, they're generally cutting spending by bullions and mullions.) Does anyone else "crunge" when our radio announcers say, "That was The Shuns wuth 'Kussing the Lupluss.' Next we have The Munt Chucks and The Smuths...?" (Musically, that wouldn't be so bad of course....) Does anyone else crunge when you're told to play cruckut wuth Chrustine at Chrusmus time?

The New Zealand accent is the most ruduculous sounding accent un the Englush speakung world. All our vowels sound like 'u's. It is commonly found in customer service. You hear things like, "No we don't have 'Uz Ut Just Moi Or Uz Uvurythung Shut,' uctually. Thunk yous though, please cum agaun." Horrifying. Some people claim they like our accent because it "makes us unique."

Admittedly, the New Zealand accent is quite useful for getting an edge when talking to girls in North America. However, that is only because we sound like Australians and every North American girl has a fantasy of pulling an Australian surfer. Being unique doesn't make it okay. Robert Mugabe is unique. Is he lauded for it? I think not. That guy who argues with your lecturer in front of the 200 people who actually understand is unique. Lady Gaga is unique. Change your argument, chumps.

Perhaps the qwerty keyboard is to blame. Whoever designed it put the 'I' key in between the "U" and "O" keys. That makes translation easy. If I want to translate English into Kuheewee I can shift my finger to the left, i.e.; "I'm Chrus Smuth." If I want to translate English into the Topp Twuns dialect, I can shift my finger to the right, i.e.; "I'm Cross Smoth." Regardless of this convenience, I'd rather it wasn't an issue. The New Zealand accent is an abomination. Could be time to move to Australia....

PS: That whole 'Beached as' thing was never funny. People in different countries talk differently, get it? Yup, real original, not to mention another reminder that we're at the bottom of the vocal heap. Fucking ducks.