The Reader's Digest Trust Survey

Who constructs these lists and how the hell do they do it? There are so many problems with it I can barely control myself. Luckily for this post, the article on the survey says nothing about how the survey is done. You can view the article and the ranked list here.

According to the online Oxford English Dictionary, to trust is to "believe in the reliability, truth or ability of" an entity, in this case, a person. (Yes, the survey ranks professions as well but I'm gonna stick to commenting on the list of people.) I'm not entirely sure what these one hundred people have done to earn the trust of the readers that voted for them.

I don't wish to take anything away from many of the people on the list. They didn't ask you to vote for them. They did their jobs and some of them stand amongst the greatest in their fields in the whole world. Credit where credit's due.

But what has made Bret McKenzie more trustworthy than Jemaine Clement? What has made either of them trustworthy enough for the top ten? Could it be that people voted for them because they recognised them and liked their work? If anything, Jemaine is the more reliable. After all, he only has one facial expression and one tone of voice. Then again, I'm quite willing to let Bret be tainted by his association with The Black Seeds.

Why are there only two women in the top ten? Is it cos they have sick problems once a month? Probably, selfish bitches. Why is the highest ranked woman someone I've never heard of and why is the second highest ranked woman a bloody fashion designer? I guess contributing to the low self esteem of young women makes a person pretty trustworthy. After all, that's all catwalk fashion is. Stuff that looks ridiculous and most of us can't afford even though we're told we should want it. Good grief.

What has Richie McCaw done to fall from 11th place in 2010 to 55th in 2011? I would say nothing. That guy goes out on the field and gives it everything he's got, every time. What has Daniel Vettori done to fall 40 places from 18 to 58? Lead New Zealand to a surprisingly good World Cup result? Wow, what a bastard. Dave Dobbyn has dropped 41 places too. Why? God only knows.

Let's go to the other end of the list. Why is John Key ranked higher than Hone Harawira? Key is extremely reluctant to comment on lots of stuff and reluctant to stick to his word on the rest. The 'Smiling Assassin' said he wouldn't fuck with GST and he did. Check out his view on The Springbok Tour...he doesn't feel strongly about anything. As Steve Braunias said of "Mr Flip-flop" before Key's election in 2008, "you can't call Key two-faced cos he hasn't even shown one face yet."

Harawira on the other hand has never been anything other than perfectly clear on where he stands on anything. He left the Maori Party because they changed, not because he did. They think they can work with Don Brash post election for goodness sake! New Zealand may not like Harawira's views but at least he has views and at least they've been consistent for decades.

So what the fuck New Zealand? Who the hell came up with this list, why, and what does it mean? You did, to fill Reader's Digest column inches and nothing. You can bank on that.

And P.S. - If you're still reading that bloody magazine you should get an internet connection.

Alasdair Thompson

When you write a blog like ours, this is a half volley on leg stump. This is the fast ball over the plate. This is the candy in the feeble grasp of a baby. This the excuse I need to use a string of shitty clichés.

For those of you who aren't up with New Zealand's current events, Alasdair Thompson is the head of the Employers and Manufacturers Association. He represents our bosses and did a pretty lousy job of it on June 23, 2011 when he basically said women should get paid less than men because they take more sick days due to "women's monthly sick problems." Dude, it's called menstruation. Say it with me: men-strua-tion. Not that hard, huh? Thompson claims the evidence supports his statement. He can't produce it though. There's kind of a theme here: Andy Haden couldn't produce any evidence to support his theory that the Crusaders had a quota for "darkies." Hmmm, funny that. It's almost like these guys pull this rubbish out of their asses. Political incorrectness gone mad. Thompson has also made some piss-poor effort at an apology but it was piss (or even Tui) weak, poorly delivered and more or less the definition of "too little, too late."

Now at this point you'd expect me to rip this munter to shreds. That would be fun but, quite frankly, that's too easy and is being done for me by far wittier and more eloquent people in the media. The Council of Trade Unions has called for him to be sacked and they have the support of prominent politicians and countless Facebookers. Green MP, Catherine Delahunty tried to introduce a member's bill that would allow women an easier method to investigate pay discrepancies with their male counterparts. It was blocked by the government, despite the fact that National's MPs have widely condemned Thompson's statements.

Nope, I will only take the guy's statements down tangentially. Primarily, I wish to make some other points.

Firstly, check out this image (hat-tip to your Twitterfeed, Moth):

How out of touch with social convention is this dickhead that he goes on Facebook to vote in favour of keeping his job after saying something that daft? Pretty out of touch, I would say. He should go back to the stone age when dinosaurs couldn't talk - or use social media.

Secondly, whilst it's obviously reasonable to jump on the guy, some pinko libbers have been so "holier-than-though" with their criticism that it's excruciating. Dissing the easily dissable is just that: easy. Whilst sexism still manifests in society in ways that should embarrass some of us, opposing the views of an outspoken dipshit doesn't make a person into the heroic freedom fighter they might think they are. Opposing this twat is like opposing cancer. This guy thinks a hysterectomy is a career move for goodness sake! He should be banished to an earlier period of time, well spotted, but don't try and act like you're a genius or a hero for saying what everyone with even the smallest shred of common sense is thinking. Don't do the right thing so you can get high off your own altruism.

What I'm trying to say is that this guy should get bitch-slapped - by a fucking big gorilla - but don't use the same hand to pat yourself on the back for expressing the, ahem, bleeding obvious.

John Mayer

I hate John Mayer. I considered ranting about him myself. I would've mentioned his woefully outdated faux-neo-Clapton guitar bollocks. I would've mentioned the way he sings like a twat. I definitely would've responded to his line, "who says I can't get stoned?" by offering to bury him up to his neck and....well you can imagine the rest.... In fact, I hate John Mayer so much that writing about him made me so angry I had to delegate the task of destroying him to a fabulous guest blogger. Thereby, it is with great pleasure that I introduce the sophisticated writing of Richard 'THE MAYER SLAYER' Flanagan....

Before I start I should make one thing clear. As far as people go, I'm not the biggest John Mayer critic there is. There are times when his smooth, empty music really hits the spot. I like his commitment to his own independence and of course what red blooded male wouldn't appreciate the who's-who of America's most beautiful women that he seems to churn through.

I just can't figure out why he's famous. Surely it can't be for his ability to bring us revelations like that romantic relationships can be nuanced and complicated. Maybe its the rollercoaster of gritty emotional realism he depicts in his music. One moment, "I wanna scream at the top of my lungs!," the next "2am, I swear I might propose" (sounds like a good night). But then all that proposing at 2am takes its toll and there's a tantrum. "One more thing - why is it my fault? I just wanna be loved, just want to be funny". Tears before bedtime.

Maybe his popularity can be ascribed to the fact us conservative white people need a rebel too. I mean "who says I can't get stoned?" Well, no one actually. So probably not that then. All in all John's songs have all the characteristics of something by an 8 year old being taught creative writing. Similes involving colourful objects ("she's always buzzing like neon"), metaphors involving fun parks ("your body is a wonderland"), and a world view that shows he's yet to understand personal responsibility ("waiting on the world to change" = it's not my fault, I found it like that).

So unfortunately, the reason I'm being inextricably drawn to is that there are a lot of stupid people out there who buy music. And in this case, by stupid people, I mean stupid women whom I suspect wouldn't be interested in hearing the self-indulgent musings of a man in his early thirties if he wasn't six foot three and good looking. I, for example, am also self-indulgent and flawed but hardly anyone is reading this. It seems that when men reach for FHM, women reach for John Mayer. But in the same way that FHM isn't Hemingway, John Mayer isn't music. So please folks, push your tastes a little further afield. You'll still get to hear John's music any time you're in an elevator or waiting on hold at the bank. Maybe then the poor guy can live his tortured life in happy anonymity.