Phil Edwards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jN2I9VHid60

An army of chemistry teachers couldn't water down Jack Johnson any further but this bastard has found a way. Jack Johnson sucks. He writes boring songs for boring people to listen to and sings them with a boring voice. Phil Edwards takes things a step further. Not only does this son of Hawkes Bay sound like Jack Johnson lite (which is pretty heavy on the lite) but he ticks every lame, summer cliche in what I can only assume is evidence of his obvious lack of originality, his man-love for Johnson (pun intended) or some corporate suits getting together and working out how to make a (s)hit.

Let's examine the video. It ticks every filthy cliche in the filthy Johnson canon. There's a beach. There are surfers. There's a chick in a bikini. There are shots of the band looking lame at what I assume is a lame summer festival. There are surfie freakin' hand gestures. In fact, Johnson and Edwards are to the ears what Tui and DB are to the tongue: two forms of shit that are barely distinguishable.

Let's examine the song. The musical cliches are covered. We have acoustic guitar underneath some bullshit, white-boy, wah-funk touches. We have a few reggae upstrokes. We have the snare set to "mellow" and the bass set to sound as phat as the sunset caressing the ocean. Lyrically, this song is awful. Listen to the themes. Summer, road trips, summer, waves, summer, golden sand, summer, feeling fine, summer, how much of dick Phil Edwards is and more bloody summer. How many soft rhymes can you fit in one song? I don't know, I didn't count when I suffered through his monstrosity!

Phil, look at me. Listen carefully. You're the kind of vermin who would say annoying things like "I didn't invent summer. I just took it to its highest level." I'm not feeling fine listening to you. I hope a seagull craps in your eye and you die while wiping out on a wave, getting carved up by coral and eaten by sharks. Anything less wouldn't be justice.