Honours in Political Science and/or International Relations

Both editors of this fountain of knowledge have completed honours degrees in political science at Victoria University, arguably the best place to do it in New Zealand. Well, Shauny caned it in 2007 and Andy has, at the time of writing, suffered through the course work and is still struggling through the exam period.

Most people think being a student in New Zealand is great. All we do is drink like fish, fuck like rabbits, protest like Mintos and complain about being poor even though we live comfortably, the government pays for a bulk of our studies and the nonsense we study will make society worse off. I mean, some departments teach us about silly things like the negative impact of colonisation on indigenous cultures and the way neoliberal reforms proved disastrous for some groups, which just make it harder for us to understand the wonderful logic of Don Brash, a man sent to save us from political correctness gone mad with his timeless wisdom. \Thank goodness. No sarcasm here.\

Well let us tell you: PSIR (political science an international relations) honours students work freaking hard to develop extremely useful analytical and communication skills for questionable reward. At the end of our study year we need to submit around 40,000 words divided into four essays, either by writing about topics no one has ever written about or by making arguments no one has ever made. That's on top of the exams, readings, presentations and all the other shit we have to do, which often involves designing the content of the courses we’re taking! That stuff is formidable in itself but the essays are the killers of sanity, social lives and extra-curricular activities.

You might say "so what?" Students have to write essays at every level, right? Well, let me give you some perspective. 40,000 words is a lengthy masters thesis at a lot of universities. A masters degree is generally completed over a 12-24 month period. Honours is completed over 7 and a half months, March to mid-October. Furthermore, research proposals are generally submitted no earlier than April and sometimes as late as July. That means the masters length submission is really only completed over 3-6 months...on top of all the other course work! Our high level of education means we can reliably inform you that 3 is one eighth of 24! No wonder people say you do a masters to relax after honours!

Naturally, this means you have to work pretty bloody hard. Follow my flawless logic. If it takes 24 months of working 8 hours a day to write 40,000 words for a masters thesis, one would have to work 64 hours a day to write the same amount of words in 3 months. See how hard this is?! Pretty fucking hard! Pretty! Fucking! Hard! No wonder we give up all inessential activities including eating and sleeping. Only essential activities like Facebooking and drinking "study juice" are allowed.

The time commitment is just the start of the problem. The topics we write about are so niche it's very hard to get motivated to give a fuck. Does the woman in the suit give a flying rat’s ass about the benefits of using a neofunctionalist approach to analyse the integration dynamics in NAFTA? Don't bet on it. Does the man playing ukulele on Cuba Street wanna hear about the "vital contribution" (a cringe-inducing academic cliche) someone's research has made to our understanding of the fairness of categorising Rawls' theory of justice as being "end-state?" I don't think so.

The research is also likely to make one go crazy. Why is it so hard to write the questions we have to answer? Why am I trying to answer a question the greatest thinkers of all time have not yet answered (or even asked)? How can there be any truth in the world when all sides of every argument have been so well argued already? Did someone say existential crisis? Well, maybe I can fall back on the identity I created outside of academic research? Nope, no time for that - I haven't done my 64 hours of research and writing yet.

So why do we do it then? To advance our careers, for one. Well that makes sense, given the massive lay offs in the public sector. Some people do it cos they love being students. Fair enough. I mean, the university is laying off lecturers from our department, reorienting its focus without consultation and thereby creating a positive environment to work in for staff and students who unanimously approve of the changes. Oh, a sarcasm detector, that’s a really useful invention. Maybe it's the awesome resources we get. The university is returning record profits which explains why we can't find a room in which we can study like those provided by other universities, not to mention power points in the library for our laptops.

Hmmm...so to recap, honours involves going crazy while working stupidly hard on an irrelevant topic in a poorly resourced environment for a job that won't exist while your student loan doesn’t get any smaller. Sounds like a reason to go without sleep.

On a serious note, we'd like to give special thanks to all our lecturers and everyone in our cohorts. It's been invariably wonderful suffering with you.

So, have you done honours? Do you think it's shit? Is it shit in ways that we've missed? Do you think we're shit for complaining about it? Do you wanna publicly give mad props to your lecturers or cohort? By all means, leave your thoughts in the comments.

Bug Diy Oet

The latest Big Day Out lineup announcement seems to have some of our compatriots in a tizz. First of all, it was announced between 11pm and 1am NZ time, to suit the Australian market where most of the event's money is made. This led one unfortunate youngster to blame the organizers for her imminent failure of NCEA because she had to 'put aside her studies' in order to repeatedly hit F5 on Twitter. We humbly submit that waiting for BDO band announcements might not be this student's main problem.

But really, who even gives two craps about the Big Day Out any more? Recent line-ups, and 2012 is no exception, have certainly been nothing worth waiting up for. Kanye is fronting, and assuming he a) shows up, b) is sober, and c) doesn't play too many tunes about his penis, that might be a good show.

And the second headliner is...what the shit...Soundgarden? Aren't they a 90s band? Aren't they and their songs well past the use-by date? YES and YES! It turns out Cornell and Co have recently realized their original fans now have more disposable income and so have reformed to cash in on the 'tired band festivals' circuit. No new material, "just the good old stuff". Perfect for everybody!

Things get worse from there: British dance-rock bores Kasabian, some highly mediocre local singer-songwriter/rap-guy/rock-chick filler. US math-rockers Battles are interesting but will do your head in. The Living End are probably the most boring three-piece on the planet, with a couple of forgettable radio-hits in the late 90s. And the list is rounded out with My Chemical Romance, who apparently still operate (and have hopefully stopped massacring good Bob Dylan songs).

Here at UUJM we've never been big fans of the BDO. It always seemed sum-uppable by: "go to Auckland, fight public transport, get heatstroke, not really hear what you want, leave early". And with this year's line-up, it hardly seems worth the $165+fees.

Diary of Helena From Seatoun - Pacific Island Edition

Dear diary,

I just got back from an amazing 5 day experience on a beautiful Pacific Island. I was seeking a truly authentic account of my intrepid journey, so I recorded many of my conversations with locals. Here's one conversation I had with my tour driver who picked me up from the island's airport to take me to my lovely resort.

Helena.

Helena: Mal'e alolo!

Tour driver: Mal'e alolo! Welcome to our island in the Pacific!

H: Thank you. I'm sure my 5 days here will be as inspiring and life changing as the travel agency website suggested. Where's our ride?

TD: Here. Please climb aboard and we'll go to your beach resort.

H: Wonderful. My ankles are killing me after economy class.

H: Look out the window at all the rubbish on the streets. Driver, how can you let your idyllic little island be like this? This isn't what the Pacific is like.

TD: Huh?

H: Driver, you need to be more environmentally conscious.

TD: What?

H: Uh hello?! This is Helena here, calling from the future. You need to clean up your dirty little island. Do. You. Understand. Me?

TD: Huh?

H: Forget it. So what's the plan for tonight?

TD: Everyone on the island will be watching our national rugby team play the world champions at 8:30pm. It's such a great honour for our people.

H: 8:30?! But looking at the beach resort's itinerary for Saturday night that's the same time as the authentic cultural show. They're going to be showing amazing traditional dances from across the Pacific while we eat from the buffet. There must be a mistake.

TD: Ah sorry, cultural show is off. Rugby is part of our way of life here.

H: But rugby proliferates violence and re-enforces gender stereotypes ...

TD: Did you just read that from your handbook?

H: ... Rugby doesn't fit with your lovely little island culture. No this can't be. Call your boss at the beach resort and ask him to make the cultural show for after the rugby. I have 5 days to authentically absorb your culture and damnit I'm gonna do it!

TD: Umm sorry but the boss doesn't want his staff up late on Saturday night because we have church the next morning.

H: But church imposes an immoral social order and reinforces gender stereotypes.

TD: Okay I definitely saw you read that from your handbook.

H: Yes, my handbook is like my Bible.

People Telling You They Like The Instrument You Play Cos There Was One Of Them In That Shite Band They Love

"Oh I love the saxophone it's so cool!" Can you please explain why you think it's so cool? No you can't, but that shite band you love (Chicago, Fat Freddy's, UB40, etc) had one in it once and that was innovative/crazy/mind-altering for you. I'm glad you like the instrument I play (seriously) and it's great that you felt strongly enough about it to tell me (also serious) but please don't infer because I play instrument X that I a) know or b) care about the particular usage you love so much. Otherwise all I can really do is smile and thank you for your interest.

The worst example of this goes something like this: "Oh my God, I love the clarinet, Kenny G plays it so well...." Kenny G a) sucks the fat one, and b) almost definitely played soprano sax on the recording you love.

The Rugby World Cup

Disclaimer: I love watching rugby now more than ever. Those guys are talented, hard working professionals. Credit where credit’s due. They’ve done the hard yards but this is a cup of two halves. The skill and passion on display are one thing but wait, there’s more.

It’s been a long time coming and now the Rugby World Cup is here. I’ve been in denial. I’ve had my fingers in my ears and my hands over my eyes. Hear no evil, see no evil, put a gag in Murray bloody Mexted so he can speak no evil. God I’m sick of his chess metaphors. It’s not a game of chess out there, it’s something far less intellectual. Regardless, consider the effects of the RWC:

-I hate the people you have to watch the games with. Mr “Don’t Pass It, Kick It” will invariably stand next to Mrs “Don’t Kick It, Pass It.” I didn’t realise buying a Weetbix box with rugby cards in it made you a fucking expert, fit to advise Dan fucking Carter. There’ll be the guy who reckons Richie doesn’t cheat but the other team does by doing the same things. There’ll be the old lady who says helpful things like “score a try All Blacks.” Good thinking Mrs Morrison. Don't get me started on Mr "The All Blacks need to sing the national anthem." They don't. They're not paid to. They need to play rugby. Within five minutes of the game starting you will have forgotten who was singing and who wasn't.

-Prostitutes have been flown in from around the world to meet the increased demand. I guess we can conclude that the RWC attracts people who lack sufficient social skills to get any without paying for it. Also, I hope New Zealand women aren’t miffed that they’ve been overlooked to fill the demand for paid sex. Isn’t unemployment around 6.5 per cent? Sheesh.

-You’ve got to feel for the homeless in Auckland. Good thing that security firm is sweeping the streets, keeping them in line. You’ve got to feel for women’s refuge shelters as well. They’re battling funding cuts whilst expecting an influx of “guests,” especially once the All Blacks choke at the finish line...or the start line.

-The economic benefits are guestimates at best and negative at worst! When we first found out we got it, people were talking about a billion dollar injection. Then we started talking about a half billion dollar cash input. Now we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of unsold tickets. Does anyone else think these numbers are as reliable as the numbers Gerry Brownlee pulled out of his ass to try and convince us mining our precious conservation land was a good idea? Tourist number projections are just as bad. Some sources say 95,000 visitors will come. Some say that's only 25,000 more than normal for a country whose economy relies heavily on tourism. What the fuck?! That's more or less the same number that could be put off coming because they want to avoid the RWC!

-Now let’s look at the economic downside. With tourists and tourist dollars comes inflationary pressure. If you’re a rich middle aged tourist coming from a country whose currency converts favourably to the New Zeland dollar, that’s OK. If you’re a local, that’s a right royal pain in the arse, especially if you’re a renter getting kicked out of your accomodation so your greedy landlord can charge tourists five times as much. Bloody awesome.

-Funding for the Wellington Jazz Festival has been cut because of the RWC. Well, an 80 year old Sonny Rollins still came. Well done, organisers. Presumably other funds have been relocated so all the worst parts of the Wellington Sevens can cover the whole country for six bloody weeks and John Keys can pull out some terribly unfitting rugby metaphors while the ABs choke and everyone gets distracted so the Nats can sweep home in November while passing all sorts of shit under the guise of urgency.

-One more thing. There’ll be a whole lot more assholes in town. My chances of being called a “fag” by someone who partakes in rituals whereby men pile on top of each other, slap each other in the butt, shower together and do all that other shit we know rugby boys like just got higher. Guess I’ll go drink expensive beer and gamble.

-Oh, there’s that song by The Feelers. Avoid.

-Oh, and public transport is stuffed and the city is in chaos. Notice how this just keeps going? Feel free to add to it in the comments section below.

The Diary of Helena from Seatoun, part III

Every day, I do great things for our country.

I'm a middle-manager at a large government department focused on social issues. Our purpose statement is 'Making Society's Choices So They Don't Have To.'

I don't understand people that work for banks and other profit-driven organisations. They're only motivated by vanity and self-interest. I could never admit to working for the private sector - not only because I'd get funny looks when I talked to people at Happy Bar.

Unlike in the private sector, I treat my staff with respect. I regularly tell them they work with with me, not for me. (It's not true but it makes them feel better.) I'm a consensus leader but also not afraid to protect the interest of my group - like the time I labelled our former analyst a sexist because he suggested we couldn't accrue our budget to the next financial year without the approval of the Procurement team. He was gone by week's end and we kept our budget, which kept many of our great social services funded - not to mention my salary!

I reassure my colleagues that I'm human like them and that they're free to challenge my decisions. But equally, it's part of my moral duty to smoke out the independent thought and ambition in my group. This is how we ensure there will be future generations of social service employees because if we didn't then we might lose staff to the private sector. So as you can see, I do great things for our country every day.

New Zealand's Approach to Snow

OMFG! SNOW!

What kind of small minded, tunnel-visioned, micro-shithole gets excited by something natural that affects much of the world for months every year?

It's time for New Zealand to grow up and stop acting like a nation of Christmas morning six year olds every time cold water flakes fall from the sky. Shops close so staff can frolic outside. I hate frolicking. Classrooms of kids stop concentrating and stare out the window. I hate staring. Bloody kids should bloody pay attention.

Snow is a pain in the arse because our nation is unprepared for it, not only psychologically but in terms of infrastructure as well. Power goes out, our houses are exposed as the poorly insulated freeze traps they are, roads close and all sorts of things get cancelled. Between our childlike attitudes and poor infrastructure, much of the country practically grinds to a halt.

Well it's time for this to stop. Policy makers need to accept that climate change means New Zealand will experience snowfall more often in more areas and start preparing this country accordingly. We need warmer houses. We need power lines that can handle the barrage. We need roads that we can drive on so nothing needs to be cancelled.

Move on New Zealand. Snow is shit. Frozen shit falling from the sky. When you think of it like that, throwing shitballs and making shit angels doesn't sound so grand does it? Old man Andy (see picture) is sick of slipping and sliding, feeling low.