Queen (The Band)

Everyone in the world seems to like Queen except me. My friends like Queen. The guys I play music with like Queen. My co-editor, Shaun probably likes Queen. That’s fine. After all, I’m used to having the best taste in the room, not to mention being a real dick in suggesting my dust-collecting degree in classical music shows I know best about pop.

But, c’mon. Queen are shit. Their ubiquitous “Best Of” collections are the epitome of thoughtless normtrooperism. You might think you’re having a shared spiritual experience when singing ‘We Are the Champions’ after someone wins a rugby game but really you’ve just fallen into the trap of the thoughtlessly unoriginal and, frankly, you’re circling the drain at the bottom of the barrel. You’re probably one of those awful people who like, “anything with a good beat, really” and I hate those people.

I don’t doubt the technique or the pop sensibilities. Brian May has fast fingers. That'll always impress the easily impressed. Freddie Mercury had pipes, sure. Some of the lyrics are clever and most of the songs use, sarcastic OMFG, more than three chords. They’re catchy but so are herpes. So are the Fergie-inclusive Black Eyed Peas. So is all sorts of dreadful shit. The problem with Queen is that they are tasteless.

Mercury belonged on Broadway and someone should burn Broadway to the ground. That road is a place for rich people to waste money on tasteless, cheesy indulgences and act like Muppets while being slapped in the face by prima donnas holding a no-subtlety-exaggerate-everything stick. Mercury’s larger-than-life lifestyle fits perfectly into that mould, as does his awful no-subtlety-exaggerate-everything strutting and awful no-subtlety-exaggerate-everything singing.

Brian May is just as bad. He takes the raw sexual energy and magnificent technique of Jimmy Page and covers it in five awful layers of 80s production gloss. Not only is that not rock and roll – it’s ANTI-ROCK-AND-ROLL! Stop calling these guys a rock band. They are the musical equivalent of smearing lipstick all over your face – just a big, coked up, tastelessly presented mess and their self-indulgent shite is as over-produced as it is over-played.

No doubt by now someone has accused me of homophobia. To that I’d like to reply that not only am I an Amnesty International member (and frequent letter writer, email sender and petition signer) but also a former employee. You should all be AI members but no one likes a preacher so I’ll move on. I’m also a fan of REM, David Bowie, The Smiths and Cowboy Machine. I don’t give a shit if the people in my ears are gay, straight, bi or confused.

My problem with Queen is entirely one of musical taste. To reiterate, they are tasteless. Bohemian Rhapsody might have been funny when you were watching Wayne’s World as a twelve year old but it’s clearly time to stop pissing in the shallow end of music and move on.