Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is shit. Here's why.

First, how many of you omit the possessive apostrophe and write "Valentines Day?" You know it's the day of St Valentine, right? Following from that, how many of you write "Valentines Day" after posting an annoying meme on Facebook to show the world you know how to use some form(s) of punctuation? Well Captain Awesome, now that you can demonstrate the difference between:

(i) "A woman, without her man, is nothing" and;

(ii) "A woman: without her, man is nothing,"

maybe you could learn to use a fucking apostrophe.

Of course I'm only using one form of smarm to criticise another but the message of this blog is that everything is shit and that includes me. Naturally, I'm single and unlovable and VD is another slap in the face but that's not the motivation for this post.

The greater problem with VD (yep, that's the joke, you got it, well done) is that it's yet another conduit for those without their own thoughts to blindly do as they're told by external entities, not just with the lubby-dubby crap but with our gender roles. Men, buy a tacky card cos Hallmark told you to. Men, spend thirty times the regular price on a single bloody rose which will die in a week cos the florist told you to. Ladies, don't be so fucking frigid and put out for once, even though we all know it's only men who enjoy sex. This is the one day a year that men NEED to show their women (obviously) that they appreciate them by following the well prescribed "idiot's-guide-to-stuff-girls-like" you've seen on every bullshit TV show and movie. Dontcha go stepping out of your gender roles or anything. This is a time warp. The 1950s ended over half a century ago but not on February 14. Every other day of the year, blokes can be a complete tools cos there's always/only Valentine's Day when we can show we care by doing the things society has told us that we can do to show we care. Men, we've put it into a window and institutionalised it so we won't look like sissies.

Well fuck that.

My heart is well and truly broken on VD because I've got to watch normally thinking adults be dictated to without regard for logic.

Here's some Harry Nilsson, not for any of my ex-girlfriends but for everyone who fell into the quagmire of VD.

Money Bill Williams

Readers have been getting frustrated with the low calibre of writing on this blog so Shaun and I drafted in Craig Thornley to sort things out. Here's what Craiggy has to say about Money Bill Williams....

Some would say that taking a shot at $BW is aiming for an easy target, but given that his five defeated pro-boxing opponents haven’t managed that task, I think he is fair game. Then again, I’m not a grossly overweight sickness beneficiary or facing methamphetamine charges, so compared to his previous opponents I think I have a fairly good chance.

Many of you will leap to his defence, citing that he is a ‘superstar’ who has achieved a number of impressive feats in the sporting arena. I can’t argue with that. He is a natural athlete and he has achieved highly in numerous sporting endeavours. There are others who will simply say, “don’t be a hater, bro”. To those people, go crawl back into the primordial ooze from whence you came, once you are done packing my groceries of course. Secondly, I remind you that anonymous hate on the internet is what the 21st century man does best.

There are any number of fronts you could attack SBW from. Some would start by attacking the fact that he has won a national boxing title despite having never fought someone who has seen inside a gym. Others would question the fact that he only has strong rugby performances against minnow teams and he got himself sent off for a ridiculous no-arm tackle in the first serious RWC game he played in. Some would take the easy road and point out that he is a terrible person because he is a convicted drunk driver – or has everyone forgotten that?

But wait, there’s more. While there are plenty of athletes who milk every dollar out of their contracts and sponsorship deals, my issue with SBW is that he steadfastly refuses to admit that he is just in it for himself. He claims he does it for a higher purpose and that it’s best for everyone. I call bullshit.

He’s not the first to walk out of a sporting contract, but rather than just come out and say that he got a better offer, he walked out on the Bulldogs without even notifying team management that he was doing so, and then claimed that it was a protest against the NRL salary cap. Bullshit, Sonny. If you ditch your team mates mid- season, don’t try and tell the world it was some kind of noble self sacrifice for the good of the players, don’t guiltily scuttle off in the night like that time you got caught cheating on your Mrs in a hotel toilet, and especially don’t pass up the opportunity to apologise to the fans of the team you have disadvantaged by your actions, even when given the chance to do so on national TV.

People were shocked when he bailed from the Bulldogs and were surprised when he bailed from Toulon, but at least that was so he could pursue “his All Black dream”, like every good kiwi kid should. I got that too, until he refused to sign on with the NZRFU for more than a year so he can “keep his options open”. If you were handed a contract to sign on to ‘living the dream’, surely you’d sign it, right? If you want a short contract so you can shift back to league when your ban runs out, just come out and say it. But in the mean time, stop appearing in the All Blacks ads that talk about the legacy of the jersey and what it means to you.

No matter which side of the fence you view it from, SBW is an affront to disciples of both the amateur and professional eras of sport. Those brought up on the sporting cornerstones of ‘team before self’, loyalty to the jersey and seeing things through to the bitter end find his inability to commit to a code, let alone a team, to be appalling. Those brought up in the modern era where players are tradable commodities should be equally outraged that he has defied the rules of the professional era by walking out on contracts and breaching sponsorship conditions - if you are going to build your brand by signing contracts, at least have the decency to hold up your end.

For me, SBW has trodden the well worn path of those who started with some credibility, but now are residing in a certain circle of hell reserved for those who have lost it all by selling a brand, an ideal version of themselves that can’t be backed up. At least he could probably catch a U2 concert while he’s there.

Diary of a Les Mills Person

This week, we had the misfortune of meeting an Auckland-based Les Mills Person and hearing about their week. We wrote it down to preserve the timeless wisdom.

Monday: 6am Body Pump. Great session, feeling energised. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Eat low carb, high protein lunch.

Tuesday: 6am Body Kombat. I love this class but I wish the boxing gloves weren’t so hard on my hands. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Eat low carb, high protein lunch.

Wednesday: 6:30am Weights Session to add tone to problem areas. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Pick up takeaway lunch at Revive. Treat myself to wheatgrass shake even though I know it’s actually packed with sugar.

Thursday: Day off. Stay late at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Sometimes I get the feeling that my boss doesn’t respect me as a person. I don’t know why that is. I mean, he’s so flirtatious with me at work drinks.

Friday: Kickstart day with Body Pump. Go to job at law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Meet other Les Mills people for drink at BCC. Conduct superficial conversation. Midnight: go for dance in Ponsonby. Wear clothes that show off my body. Meet hot guy from another law firm/advertising agency/radio station. Exchange numbers. Resist temptation to eat takeaways on way home despite being drunk.

Saturday: Hungover. Address hangover with high protein, low carb breakfast. Attend 11am body pump. Wooahh yeah feeling energised! Nothing like a great session to blow out the cobwebs. 2pm: go to Ponsonby beauty salon for spray tan and IPL treatment. After treatment browse Ponsonby shops for expensive clothes. 8pm: have a few relaxed wines with the girls. End up going out for a dance again. Meet 31 year old small business owner on again-off again boyfriend at the Long Room. Stay the night at his house and have some really great sex. Man I love my Les Mills body- it's so empowering being this fit and hot. He loves it too.

Sunday: Wake up late and find 31 year old small business owner on again-off again boyfriend has cooked me breakfast. Older guys are the complete package. If only I was the sort of person who could be tied down. I know he’d love that. Finally roll out of bed and go to Freemans Bay New World to stock up supplies of pro-biotic yoghurt, spirulina and organic fresh fruit. Catch an episode of Geordie Shore on MTV. Oh my god it cracks me up how superficial those people are. I could never be like that. Wow, I deserve an early night tonight, big week ahead. Smother face with bio-oil and turn in.

Monday: Repeat.