The Diary of Helena from Seatoun, part III

Every day, I do great things for our country.

I'm a middle-manager at a large government department focused on social issues. Our purpose statement is 'Making Society's Choices So They Don't Have To.'

I don't understand people that work for banks and other profit-driven organisations. They're only motivated by vanity and self-interest. I could never admit to working for the private sector - not only because I'd get funny looks when I talked to people at Happy Bar.

Unlike in the private sector, I treat my staff with respect. I regularly tell them they work with with me, not for me. (It's not true but it makes them feel better.) I'm a consensus leader but also not afraid to protect the interest of my group - like the time I labelled our former analyst a sexist because he suggested we couldn't accrue our budget to the next financial year without the approval of the Procurement team. He was gone by week's end and we kept our budget, which kept many of our great social services funded - not to mention my salary!

I reassure my colleagues that I'm human like them and that they're free to challenge my decisions. But equally, it's part of my moral duty to smoke out the independent thought and ambition in my group. This is how we ensure there will be future generations of social service employees because if we didn't then we might lose staff to the private sector. So as you can see, I do great things for our country every day.

New Zealand's Approach to Snow

OMFG! SNOW!

What kind of small minded, tunnel-visioned, micro-shithole gets excited by something natural that affects much of the world for months every year?

It's time for New Zealand to grow up and stop acting like a nation of Christmas morning six year olds every time cold water flakes fall from the sky. Shops close so staff can frolic outside. I hate frolicking. Classrooms of kids stop concentrating and stare out the window. I hate staring. Bloody kids should bloody pay attention.

Snow is a pain in the arse because our nation is unprepared for it, not only psychologically but in terms of infrastructure as well. Power goes out, our houses are exposed as the poorly insulated freeze traps they are, roads close and all sorts of things get cancelled. Between our childlike attitudes and poor infrastructure, much of the country practically grinds to a halt.

Well it's time for this to stop. Policy makers need to accept that climate change means New Zealand will experience snowfall more often in more areas and start preparing this country accordingly. We need warmer houses. We need power lines that can handle the barrage. We need roads that we can drive on so nothing needs to be cancelled.

Move on New Zealand. Snow is shit. Frozen shit falling from the sky. When you think of it like that, throwing shitballs and making shit angels doesn't sound so grand does it? Old man Andy (see picture) is sick of slipping and sliding, feeling low.

Some Fans of Some Movies

If you’re a fan of one or more of these movies, you might be shit. There are two possible reasons for this. You might be endorsing a shit movie or you might be endorsing a good movie for the wrong reasons. For your convenience, we’ve outlined some traps you might have fallen into.

The Breakfast Club: What a dreadful movie. Five characters stereotyped for your convenience and a predictable plot you can fit in your head. The nerd gets dirtied up a bit so you can all feel good about having not tried harder at school. Well fuck you. Give me a better movie with some subtlety and surprise. Oh, and come on. Molly Ringwald is a skank. If you want a hot redhead, track down Neko Case.

LOTR: We're sorry but even using the acronym paints you as a hopeless fanboy or fangirl. Maybe we just don't like fantasy, maybe we didn't just 'get' the whole thing and find Tolkein's prose excruciating to read, and of course the trilogy as a whole deserved an Oscar but...come on, that ridiculous hour-long ending to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long middle to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long start to the third one?! See what we're getting at?

Labyrinth: I love Labyrinth. The problem is that it has been accosted by hipsters who go to bars for Bowie night and snob the lonely dance floor while the poor DJ plays awesome Bowie dance tracks that aren’t from Labyrinth, then get up to “dance the magic dance,” proving that for many, Labyrinth is just a hipster box to tick.

Some people say it’s a problem that the real star of this kids’ movie is Bowie’s package. I'm not one of them.

Rocky: Fuck off Philadelphia, dick.

Pulp Fiction: Looking back now, Tarantino is a walking self-plagiariser. He’s such a magpie but that’s OK. Romeo didn’t write his own lines. Reservoir Dogs is better but would be even better shorter, like most Tarantino.

Lawrence of Arabia: 'Kiwi' brand shoe polish shouldn't be used to make whiteys look brown. (The film is not to be confused with the musical alias of Mr James Milne who we actually quite dig.)

Requiem for a Dream: Bloody horrific - and that's just the New York accents.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Just because it has drugs you think it's "cool" when really its status as a "Deppic" gives it credibility it doesn't deserve. Boring.

The Motorcycle Diaries/Into the Wild: We like both films and both books but watching/reading them and talking about being a drifter doesn't make you a society defying, revolution leading, one-person warrior.

Pan’s Labyrinth: Yes Pan's Labyrinth is a pretty good film, I'd even say it is touching and poignant, but please stop going on about it like it's a fucking masterpiece. What could possibly lead you to think it is? Combining Spanish Civil War ultra-violence with crazy fantasy stuff is perhaps a novel idea, but it's hardly revolutionary. At times it's bloody farcical without being even the slightest bit ironic. Stop thinking that just because you saw a foreign film you understand so much more about the culture that produced it. "But the little girl's constructed escape from the horrible world she's living in is like a metaphor for how we all remove ourselves psychologically from difficult circumstances". Wow man, deep, and that's never been done before. Go read some Marquez or Cervantes or something, watch it again and tell me whether it really is such a great work of art.

Harry Potter: Why haven’t we seen it? BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!