Some Fans of Some Movies

If you’re a fan of one or more of these movies, you might be shit. There are two possible reasons for this. You might be endorsing a shit movie or you might be endorsing a good movie for the wrong reasons. For your convenience, we’ve outlined some traps you might have fallen into.

The Breakfast Club: What a dreadful movie. Five characters stereotyped for your convenience and a predictable plot you can fit in your head. The nerd gets dirtied up a bit so you can all feel good about having not tried harder at school. Well fuck you. Give me a better movie with some subtlety and surprise. Oh, and come on. Molly Ringwald is a skank. If you want a hot redhead, track down Neko Case.

LOTR: We're sorry but even using the acronym paints you as a hopeless fanboy or fangirl. Maybe we just don't like fantasy, maybe we didn't just 'get' the whole thing and find Tolkein's prose excruciating to read, and of course the trilogy as a whole deserved an Oscar but...come on, that ridiculous hour-long ending to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long middle to the third one?! That ridiculous hour-long start to the third one?! See what we're getting at?

Labyrinth: I love Labyrinth. The problem is that it has been accosted by hipsters who go to bars for Bowie night and snob the lonely dance floor while the poor DJ plays awesome Bowie dance tracks that aren’t from Labyrinth, then get up to “dance the magic dance,” proving that for many, Labyrinth is just a hipster box to tick.

Some people say it’s a problem that the real star of this kids’ movie is Bowie’s package. I'm not one of them.

Rocky: Fuck off Philadelphia, dick.

Pulp Fiction: Looking back now, Tarantino is a walking self-plagiariser. He’s such a magpie but that’s OK. Romeo didn’t write his own lines. Reservoir Dogs is better but would be even better shorter, like most Tarantino.

Lawrence of Arabia: 'Kiwi' brand shoe polish shouldn't be used to make whiteys look brown. (The film is not to be confused with the musical alias of Mr James Milne who we actually quite dig.)

Requiem for a Dream: Bloody horrific - and that's just the New York accents.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Just because it has drugs you think it's "cool" when really its status as a "Deppic" gives it credibility it doesn't deserve. Boring.

The Motorcycle Diaries/Into the Wild: We like both films and both books but watching/reading them and talking about being a drifter doesn't make you a society defying, revolution leading, one-person warrior.

Pan’s Labyrinth: Yes Pan's Labyrinth is a pretty good film, I'd even say it is touching and poignant, but please stop going on about it like it's a fucking masterpiece. What could possibly lead you to think it is? Combining Spanish Civil War ultra-violence with crazy fantasy stuff is perhaps a novel idea, but it's hardly revolutionary. At times it's bloody farcical without being even the slightest bit ironic. Stop thinking that just because you saw a foreign film you understand so much more about the culture that produced it. "But the little girl's constructed escape from the horrible world she's living in is like a metaphor for how we all remove ourselves psychologically from difficult circumstances". Wow man, deep, and that's never been done before. Go read some Marquez or Cervantes or something, watch it again and tell me whether it really is such a great work of art.

Harry Potter: Why haven’t we seen it? BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!